I am encouraged to do this by the holiday cards that Eric and Julie, as well as my friend Karen, send. Many people receive holiday cards which describe all the very stunning positive accomplishments of the senders and their progeny. Of course, I am glad to hear about all those wonderful things. But I especially value those cards that give some honest insight into what the year was really like - what things are hard or surprising or challenging.
I am also encouraged to do this by my cousin, Ann Velenchik, and her blog. She was diagnosed with leukemia in May, and has been chronicling her thoughts and reflections, as well as keeping us up to date on the medical end of things with it. Reading her blog has given me, and a number of other people, a lot to think about - about friends, about opportunities, about what is important and valuable and how to prioritize things. You can see her blog at http://www.carepages.com/carepages/MyLeukemiaBlog. I believe that you may need to register at carepages, but I don't think that you need to get an invitation to read it. The pages with alphabet letters were from a talk that she hoped to give to the Wellesley senior class at graduation (she teaches there) and have some interesting life advice.
One of her most recent postings was about her struggles with 'grief versus gratitude' and that also got me thinking. I am happy (and grateful) that our current adventures don't have grief or gratitude on the scale that Ann is discussing, but we do have a bit....I feel very grateful to have the opportunity to be here. It is a great adventure. But there is some grief too. Very much of it still revolves about my mom not being here to share this experience with us. But a bunch of it also is about missing friends and family and feeling lonely.....
So anyway, I am not as eloquent or insightful or funny as Ann, but I have been thinking a bit about what it is like to be here - the good and the bad.
There are a lot of things that are great and you have heard about some of them already.
The weather. It really is idyllic. It is very warm, but rarely hot where we live or at the beach. At this time of year, there are nice breezes. It is sunny, except, of course, when it is not, and then it rains. The rain during the day is mostly warm and gentle and generally does not last more than 30 minutes. At night, it rains harder, but mostly we have been inside for those and we have a sturdy roof over our heads and louvered windows and stay dry.
The beaches. We have been to a bunch. We can be at a very nice beach in 20 minutes and at even nicer beaches in about 35.
While some are more gorgeous than others, they are generally pretty spectacular. At most of the beaches we have been to, the sand has been very fine and soft. Yes, some have have rocky (dead) coral and some have sea grass, but really overall pretty stunning. The water temperature at the beach we went today is listed on the NOAA site as 81oF. It is close to that temperature all year round, at all of the beaches on the island. There are beaches that have nice waves for boogie boarding and some that are unbelievably calm. We learned today where to get some soft boards for some new surfers. There are beaches with big waves where we can watch other people surf. And I think that in the winter, there will be beaches with REALLY big waves where we can watch even more accomplished people surf.
The cliffs and the mountains and the plants. We haven't done too much hiking yet, but the hiking that we have done has been beautiful. Generally, hiking up gives beautiful views of the coast and the water. Sometimes Honolulu as well. There are interesting trees and striking flowers. It is amazingly cool to be able to "see" the lava flows still in the topography of the mountains. You can get some sense of the ridges made by the flow in these pictures.
The local library branch. It is small because the real building that will house the branch collection is currently under construction and it is housed in two trailers. It has good fiction, non-fiction including cookbooks (helpful since we did not bring any) and travel books (again helpful because there are many books about Oahu and neighboring islands) and Hawaiiana books (published by more local authors). I definitely get overwhelmed by too many choices (see The Paradox of Choice by Swarthmore faculty member Barry Schwartz) and so the library is perfect for me. The librarians thought carefully about what books to keep at the branch during this construction period and I think that they did a great job. The librarians are also very friendly. All the library branches in the state share their collection, so you can get books and DVDs from other branches (even from other islands) in a few days if there is something that you know that you want. They have a pretty good video collection (and since we have decided to do without cable or Netflix, this is a big deal) and also books and old radio shows (i.e., Dragnet and The Martian Chronicles) on CD which have been nice for the car rides to the beach. The library reminds me of the Swarthmore Co-op. It doesn't have everything that Genuardi's has, but really, it has everything that you need.... Some things are more challenging. These are not listed in any particular order and the length of the description is not really proportional to the issue described.
Birds land on our windowsills and chirp starting at about 5:45 AM. A particularly noisy one favors Abby's window. The sanitation workers that collect the trash in a very noisy truck come at a similar time on Tuesdays and Fridays. Those of you who know my preferred hours of being awake and sleeping know that this would not be my preference, but we are all getting used to it. And since the kids both start school at 8AM (not yet clear how they are going to be at schools 1.5 miles apart at the same time), we need to be on an earlier morning schedule anyway....this really isn't a big deal at all, but I thought I should give some details about what our life was like....
My daughter will not go in the ocean if there are any waves or if she has observed any sort of marine life in the water and she refuses to snorkel. So any beach that is suitable for boogie boarding or snorkeling is pretty much out at this point. She *may* walk along the beach close enough to the water's edge to get her feel splashed, unless it is a day when she will not do that. I will admit that she has been in the very calm and still waters at Waikiki.
She is signed up for swimming lessons that will start in a few weeks and we anticipate that these will be continued if the swim school seems decent. I have no idea if feeling more confident in a pool with water will mean that she will be more enthusiastic about going into the ocean. I think that the big issues are the waves and worries that crabs are going to eat her toes and so I am not sure that being a more confident swimmer is going to help much.
As a result, we have not gone snorkeling yet. We plan on going one day this week when she is at school. There are of course, other work arounds as well. We went to the beach today and we boogie boarded and she hung out on the beach. It seems possible that if the water were calm at a place where we were snorkeling, she might be willing to lie on a boogie board and float around. I don't know whether she will look into the water or not.
Somehow this whole situation is extremely frustrating and it is hard not to make a big deal of it. I give myself talks about not making a big deal about it and trying not to care if she goes into the water or not, and then we get to the beach and it seems impossible not to at least TRY to get her to go into the water. And then we get into some complicated negotiation and she never goes in the water and Steve and I get frustrated and angry and then can't really agree on what to do.
Some of these arguments have ended with Abby crying that she hates herself and that she is sad that she came here. She has also complained that no one plays with her at recess. I think that these things are not really true. We've seen her playing with friends when we pick her up after school and during the school's open house. And she generally acts like a reasonably happy kid. But I am sure that it is challenging for her and hard at times. I know that she misses her friends in Swarthmore and that having to do new things is challenging. I am not so sure about the "hate myself"and wishing that we never came to Hawaii. She is pretty emotionally savvy and definitely can see and act on things that get a response. So is she just saying these things because then I cave??? Probably. But it is hard to hear her say these things.
Back to the specific ocean water issue: I think that I am frustrated both in a selfish and unselfish way. In a selfish way, I want her to go into the water because then I can go into the water more - doing the things that I want to do. It is hard to imagine going to neighboring islands or really out snorkeling for a good run without her doing it too. Yes, we can leave her on the beach for short amounts of time on her own, and Steve and I can take turns going out with Zach, but it just won't be as fun for me....(all about me, for that point). But I am also frustrated because it seems completely ridiculous to be IN HAWAI'I and not be enjoying the water - the waves and the sights to be seen and I feel like she is missing out on some big fun and will feel sad in the future.
I miss my mom tremendously. I think about her so much. For so many of the things that we do, I think about what she would have thought about them, whether she would have liked them or been entertained by them, or been bored. I know that she would not like the ants in the kitchen, but perhaps there would be fewer of them if she were here. I know that she would be much more patient with Abby at the beach (and if she were there I could be more selfish and do what I wanted to do at the beach). I do not think that she would be more patient with Abby when she tries to cheat at Monopoly (she had zero tolerance for cheating, even for children who she loved tremendously). And I know that she would be better at teaching Zach bridge than Steve and I are. If she were here, I think that we would all be having a better time. I can hear her telling me not to cry for her or be sad, but I really can't help it. I miss her so much. I miss her wisdom and her humor and her love.
Another hard thing is that I feel lonely. I miss having family and friends to talk to and share things with and complain to and listen to. It is really really hard to feel so alone. We really still don't know anyone. I won't leave the kids at home by themselves because I can't even imagine what they would do if something happened to Steve and I if we were out. Who would they call??
I think that at least one mom of a classmate of Abby's is hesitant to have her daughter get too friendly with Abby since we will only be here for a year. I don't know if that is going to be the case for other folks as well.
I feel frustrated that my children bicker so much with one another. Others of you who have gone on sabbaticals said that your families got closer as a result and that your children became braver eaters and more worldy people. I am wondering if any of this was obviously true at the time, or only in retrospect. Or if it happened at the beginning or only part way through. Because right now, I don't think that being here and spending all this time together has helped Zachary and Abby get closer at all and you have already read about the eating issues. If anything, I think that they may be even more short-tempered or annoyed with one another than they were 6 months ago. Maybe not, but definitely not much closer....perhaps it would be different if they were closer in age, or the same gender. Maybe once they have some other people to play with, they will become more patient with one another. But pretty much they don't do much together. Maybe we aren't setting up the right opportunities or situations. But it seems fairly hopeless right now.
Well. There you have at least some of it. Yes, we are fortunate to have this amazing adventure. There is really plenty that is good and overall, I am still glad that we are here and proud that made this trip happen and all that we have accomplished in getting ourselves here and settled. We have been telling you about many of those things and of course there are lots more that we haven't blogged about.
I knew some things were going to be hard and I really did anticipate a bunch of them, although perhaps not to the degree that I am feeling some of them right now. I hope that upon our return to Swarthmore, I can remember to feel grateful for the things that I feel so sad about not having now. And that when a soon-to-be-graduated Swarthmore College senior tells me that s/he feels hesitant to move to city X because "I don't know ANYone there," that I am a little more understanding and patient. It IS hard.
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